communication

11th December 2024

How to Build a Lasting Relationship Beyond Ideal Proposals

A perfectly executed proposal can feel magical: it’s a moment you’ll both look back on as the beginning of your next chapter together. It makes perfect sense why, for many couples, it’s such a big deal – it’s a symbolic gesture that marks the transition from “just” a relationship to something greater.

But it’s also important to remember that a proposal is only the opening act in the story of a lasting relationship. Yes, nailing the moment when you pop the question is important, but the real challenge starts the day after the “yes.” Building a healthy, strong relationship – or a marriage that stands the test of time – takes more than love and good intentions.

Whether you’re newly engaged, about to pop the question, or just committed to building a stronger foundation with your partner, understanding what it takes to cultivate a long-term connection is crucial. Mind you, this isn’t about perfection.

It’s about showing up, putting in the work, and finding ways to make your relationship one that both of you can rely on through every high and low.

How the Engagement Changes Relationship Dynamics

Let’s start with the symbol of love and connection: the ring and why it’s important to pick the right one. After all, an engagement ring is more than just a piece of jewelry – it’s a symbol of the commitment you’re making.

So, when you browse engagement rings, take the time to find one that really resonates with both of your styles and values – and keep in mind that this is the ring you’ll both be looking at for the rest of your life.

After the thrill of the proposal, you’ll likely notice your relationship changing for the better, as you’ll both gain a deeper sense of security and safety with each other. Use this time to have meaningful conversations about your values, goals, and expectations.

Also discuss finances, career plans, how you’ll handle parenting if you plan on having kids, and what kind of lifestyle you envision.

Communication as the Base of Any Strong Relationship

Good, effective communication is essential for a healthy relationship. And no, this doesn’t just mean knowing when to say “I love you” or complimenting each other often (though those are nice touches). It’s about creating a space where you can both share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of judgment or dismissal.

Be clear and direct about your needs. If something bothers you, don’t let it simmer – address it early and constructively. At the same time, practice active listening: pay attention not just to what your partner says but also to the emotions behind their words.

Also, keep in mind that communication isn’t all verbal. The way you behave – your tone, body language, and willingness to be present – matters just as much.

Staying Close but Respecting Each Other’s Boundaries

Sharing your life doesn’t mean giving up your individuality. A healthy relationship thrives when both partners respect each other’s boundaries and privacy. This could mean honoring their need for alone time, supporting their hobbies, or giving them the freedom to maintain friendships outside the relationship.

Trust plays a huge role here. You don’t need to monitor every text or ask for constant updates about where they are: having confidence in your partner and their choices is how you reinforce mutual respect.

Fighting Fair

Disagreements are inevitable in every relationship, no matter how loving. How you handle them determines whether they strengthen or weaken your relationship. Instead of resorting to blame or shutting down, approach conflicts with the mindset of solving a shared problem.

Stick to “I” statements rather than “you” accusations (e.g., “I feel frustrated when…” rather than “You always…”). This redirects the focus to how you’re feeling rather than putting your partner on the defensive.

And if emotions are running high, take a pause. Cooling off allows you both to approach the issue more calmly. Remember, the goal isn’t to win – it’s to resolve an issue.

Making Lasting Memories

You don’t need grand gestures to keep the spark alive (though they don’t hurt once in a while). Indeed, small, thoughtful actions carry just as much weight. Plan a surprise date night, leave a note on their desk, or cook their favorite meal without being asked; in other words, keep things fresh.

At the same time, prioritize shared experiences. Travel together, take up a new hobby as a couple, or volunteer for a cause you both care about. These moments will build a bank of positive memories that will deepen your bond and provide a buffer during harder times (which are, again, inevitable).

Gratitude and Acknowledgment

Finally, let’s acknowledge the fact that while it can be easy to overlook the little things your partner does (especially as you settle into a rhythm, those little things matter. A simple “thank you” for taking out the trash or cooking dinner goes a long way in showing you value their effort.

While words matter, keep in mind that acknowledgment can take many forms, from a thoughtful gift to offering a massage after a tough day. The key is making sure your partner feels seen and appreciated.

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Author: J. T. Ellison

28th January 2024

#1 Way to Fix Bad Communication With Your Guy

Notes from the podcast:

Every relationship, without exception, encounters its fair share of problems, ranging from minor irritations and daily annoyances to major, deep-seated issues. Sometimes, it’s not a specific problem but a lingering sense that things are not clicking as they should.

The First Step to Resolution: Communication

The root of most relationship problems can often be traced back to one key element: communication. Ironically, the very thing that may have led you into relationship troubles – poor communication – is also the same tool that can lead you out. Whether the communication issues stem from you or your partner, remember: you can’t change them, but you can change how you communicate.

Why Silence Is Not Golden

Staying silent and doing nothing is a flawed approach. It leads to ‘kitchen thinking’, where you start cataloging all the wrongs, collecting them until one more slip-up triggers an avalanche of grievances. This ‘kitchen sinking’ can transform a minor issue into a significant conflict, overwhelming your partner with complaints and hoping they’ll surrender. But the reality is often different: they feel attacked, get defensive, and a chaotic argument strays into unnecessary territory.

The #1 Strategy: Keep Small Problems Small

The key strategy is to deal with issues while they’re still small. It may seem counterintuitive, but the idea is to ‘argue more to fight less’. This doesn’t mean looking for fights but addressing issues as they arise. Research shows that couples who manage their issues head-on have better relationship quality.

Embracing Conflict for Relationship Growth

It’s essential to recognize that conflict, while uncomfortable, is a necessary part of relationship growth. Avoiding conflict often leads to worse communication, decreased happiness, and reduced dedication to the relationship. Understanding your aversion to conflict is crucial. Are you too nice, afraid of hurting feelings, or unsure about the stability of your relationship? Recognizing these factors can help you address them more effectively.

Effective Strategies for Bringing Up Issues

#1. Determine If It’s a Real Problem: Not everything warrants a discussion. Separate emotion from logic and ask if the issue is solvable or changeable.

#2. Assume Good Intentions: Often, your partner didn’t mean to upset you. They might be unaware that their actions are bothersome.

#3. Mention It Promptly: Address the issue as close to the occurrence as possible, making your concern clear and specific

#4. Stay Focused: Tackle one problem at a time.

#5. Own Your Feelings: Express your feelings, perspective, and interpretation. Remember, you control your emotions.

Conclusion: Making Communication Work for You

In sum, every relationship problem has the same solution: effective communication. It’s a skill that needs to be developed and refined constantly. By mastering this skill, you solve existing problems and prevent future ones, making your relationship more fulfilling and resilient. Remember, you’re not just staying in a relationship to avoid being alone; you’re in it to make it worthwhile. Start today, and you’ll see how even a small change in your communication can make a big difference in your relationship.

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Notes from the podcast: Every relationship, without exception, encounters its fair share of problems, ranging from minor irritations and daily annoyances to major, deep-seated issues. Sometimes, it’s not a specific problem but a lingering sense that things are not clicking as they should. The First Step to Resolution: Communication The root of most relationship problems…

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Author: Adam LoDolce

13th November 2022

7 Subtle Signs that Your Relationship Is In Trouble

You never saw it coming.

Just like that. Your relationship is a mess, or worse, it’s completely over.

Everything seemed to be going well, then suddenly, it wasn’t.

No one likes to be blindsided. While it may seem like the end came out of nowhere, the truth is there are always signs. You just missed them.

Being savvier about recognizing issues early allows you to do something about them before they ruin everything.

What Should I Look For?

The signs aren’t going to be obvious. That would be too easy. Inevitably your partner won’t be the clearest communicator about looming trouble because they may not fully realize it themselves. That means you’re going to have to read the not-so-obvious clues and detect the subtle signals.

You may wonder, “If the signs are so slight that they’re hard to notice, how threatening could they be?”

Well, the fact is that big problems in relationships don’t happen all at once. No one wakes up one day and decides to cheat out of the blue. Partners don’t go from perfectly happy to contemplating divorce overnight.

Rather, problems have a way of sneaking up on us. Our emotional connection slowly fades, while relationship satisfaction erodes little by little over time. That makes it hard to notice or hard to believe it’s a real problem. But it’s a death by a thousand papercuts until one day, the wounds are too deep to heal.

Here are 7 subtle signs you should pay attention to so you can see trouble coming and, more importantly, take steps to prevent a disastrous outcome.

Sharing is Caring – Early in your relationship, you and your partner shared everything with each other. Your hopes, dreams, fears, and failures were all laid out in the open. Those long heartfelt conversations brought you closer together. As you grew closer, you became more comfortable being vulnerable and sharing even more. Here’s the thing: partners won’t just come out and say, “I want to be less close,” but they may start sharing less. That’s why it’s worth noticing if either of you becomes increasingly superficial with what you’re willing to disclose. Be careful here: every conversation can’t be emotional and deep. Sometimes we really just need to figure out what we want for dinner. But, if all of your conversations trend toward the super practical and mundane, and you aren’t having any meaningful discussions (especially about the future or the relationship itself), it can indicate that one (or both) of you is pulling away.
Dishing the Dirt – Our partner is a big part of who we are. So much so that we often merge identities and see our partner as an extension of ourselves. When we include our partner in ourselves like this, we experience their successes as our own (Aron et al., 2022). Similarly, their setbacks and anything that reflects poorly on them also reflect poorly on us. When either partner starts criticizing their partner or the relationship with others, it’s a subtle sign that there’s a problem. Normally we would never share bad information because it would also hurt us. But, a greater willingness to divulge negative aspects reveals a desire to create psychological distance. That distancing is the opposite of closeness and can indicate the beginning of the end.
Words Matter – You wouldn’t think they would have any influence on your relationship, but the pronouns you and your partner use are clues to how strongly bonded you are as a couple. Happy couples are highly interdependent and use a lot of plural pronouns like “we,” “us,” and “our.” (Agnew et al., 1998). For example, if you ask someone in a healthy relationship about their favorite TV show, they may answer, “We really like watching The Bachelor and Schitt’s Creek.” They’re referring to “we” even though their partner isn’t there because they think of themselves as part of a couple. If you start hearing your partner using more words like “I,” “me,” and “mine,” it may be a sign that they’re thinking less in terms of being part of a couple and more as a single person.
Getting Lazy – We all want our relationship to be fun and exciting. At some point, though, life inevitably intercedes, and things start to slow down. You have to go to work, pay bills, and be an adult. You have responsibilities. While that calm stability is a natural part of a relationship’s evolution, comfort is one thing, while complacency and laziness are another. You don’t want to resign yourself to a life of boredom. Being indifferent to an unexciting relationship can be a sign that it is no longer a priority. If it isn’t a priority, it can make it seem pointless to put in any effort or to have fun together. That’s a problem because great relationships take work and require that couples keep dating.
Feelings about Friends – How much do you like your partner’s friends? How do they feel about your friends? The answers to those questions are subtle indicators of your relationship’s future. Research finds that as long as partners like each other’s friends, you’re fine (Fiori et al., 2018). However, if there’s a lot of negativity, look out. Especially in the early part of marriage, a husband’s negative feelings about the wife’s friends matter more (and are more predictive of divorce) than how the wife feels about the husband’s friends. Now you may wonder, what makes husbands dislike their wives’ friends? Meddling. When husbands felt their wife’s friends interfered in the marriage, divorce was much more likely.
Just a Quick Peek – Your partner goes into another room but leaves their phone behind. You see some notifications pop up. What do you do? There is nothing subtle about the fact that not trusting your partner is a bad sign. But how that feeling manifests itself in your relationship may not be obvious. According to one survey, 60% of people check their partner’s phone, likely because they feel it’s fairly innocuous. After all, if that many people snoop, it can’t be a bad thing. Except it is. Those who snoop on their partner’s phone have less trust, are less emotionally stable, experience more conflict, and are more likely to break up (Arikewuyo et al., 2022). It’s a little peek that says a lot about the state of the relationship.
Having the “Talk” – Imagine this, your partner texts to say, “I’d like to talk.” That could mean anything. How do you react? Hopefully, you’re optimistic and assume it’s about something positive (e.g., a possible job promotion). However, if you’re hesitant, it may be a subtle sign that your relationship isn’t as solid as you might hope. Now, imagine your partner said, “I’d like to talk about our future.” Here it is. This is the big one, the “Talk” about what we are and where this relationship is going. How do you feel? Optimism or dread? If you’re a bit fearful, you’re not alone. Having the “Talk” is the number one taboo topic in relationships (Baxter & Wilmot, 1985). Just because it’s a common fear doesn’t mean that it’s okay to avoid the talk or feel so apprehensive. Rather, that hesitancy can be a sign there’s something wrong. For those in a perfectly healthy relationship, the “what are we and where is this going” conversation is quite enjoyable. What could be better than discussing your shared life together? However, if that talk evokes more agony than joyful anticipation, you want to figure out why. It also means you really should have the talk to get things figured out.

What To Do

As much as these subtle signs can get the inside scoop, don’t go overboard. Remember that you could be missing other signals or reading something wrong. Instead of going into full-fledged detective mode, the best thing to do is have a conversation with your partner.

Ask if everything’s ok or if anything is going on. If you want to address the specific subtle sign, you could say, “I noticed X. Should I read anything into that?”

Or, you can address things more generally, “I’m feeling a little disconnected lately. How about you? Let’s make an effort to get back on track.”

Take Home…

Relationship trouble doesn’t just magically appear. You don’t want to get surprised. You want some warning, and the key is to know where to look. There are clues along the way.

Subtle signs aren’t dealbreakers that guarantee impending doom. They are, however, like the “Check Engine” light in your car: A sign that something isn’t quite right and needs your attention. Being aware of these hard-to-notice signals allows you to notice issues before they grow out of control and threaten your relationship’s future.

Hope this helps,

Gary

Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. Ph.D. an award-winning professor, researcher, writer, and relationship expert. His TED talk and relationship programs have been enjoyed by millions worldwide. As a Love Strategies Instructor and Course Designer for Relationship Synergy, he shares insights from 25 years of experience studying the science of relationships to help women build a deeper, more meaningful romantic connection with their partner.

References

Agnew, C. R., Van Lange, P. A. M., Rusbult, C. E., & Langston, C. A. (1998). Cognitive interdependence: Commitment and the mental representation of close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(4), 939–954. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.74.4.939

Arikewuyo, A. O., Eluwole, K. K., & Özad, B. (2021). Influence of lack of trust on romantic relationship problems: The mediating role of partner cell phone snooping. Psychological Reports, 124(1), 348-365. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0033294119899902

Aron, A., Lewandowski, G.W. Jr., Branand, B., Mashek, D., & Aron, E. (2022). Self-expansion motivation and inclusion of others in self: An updated review. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075221110630

Baxter, L. A., & Wilmot, W. W. (1985). Taboo topics in close relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 2(3), 253-269. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407585023002

Fiori, K. L., Rauer, A. J., Birditt, K. S., Marini, C. M., Jager, J., Brown, E., & Orbuch, T. L. (2018). “I Love You, Not Your Friends”: Links between partners’ early disapproval of friends and divorce across 16 years. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(9), 1230–1250. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517707061

The post 7 Subtle Signs that Your Relationship Is In Trouble appeared first on Love Strategies.

You never saw it coming. Just like that. Your relationship is a mess, or worse, it’s completely over. Everything seemed to be going well, then suddenly, it wasn’t. No one likes to be blindsided. While it may seem like the end came out of nowhere, the truth is there are always signs. You just missed…

The post 7 Subtle Signs that Your Relationship Is In Trouble appeared first on Love Strategies.

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Author: Gary Lewandowski

17th October 2022

Do Beer Emotions Count?

“Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight

It’s 2 AM, I’m drunk again, it’s heavy on my mind

Excuse me please, one more drink

Could you make it strong ’cause I don’t need to think”

Dave Matthews Band

How can you know what he really means if he says one thing when drunk and something else when sober? Which is the true feeling?

I have always wondered about this. Even in the era of traditional dating, we knew that a guy was more likely to open up after a few beers. But we were never sure how to interpret drunken declarations of emotion. It’s much worse now. Successfully navigating the hookup culture necessitates repressing emotions, lest they prove inconvenient or awkward.

Moments of mushiness are rare between two people in the early stages of a relationship. Often, guys don’t want to provide encouragement to relationship-minded girls, and girls are wary of coming across as too needy and demanding. Sex occurs, meaningful dialog doesn’t.

When I was a freshman in college, I had been seeing a guy for a couple of months and I was crazy about him. We went to a New Year’s Eve party together, where he got really, really drunk. As I tucked him in for the night on my couch, he grabbed me and said, “Wait, I have to tell you something. I love you.” Wow. No one had ever said that to me before. I was very happy. He was hung over in the morning, but acted normal. I never heard from him again.

We were both on a college ski trip a couple of weeks later, and he studiously avoided me, both on the slopes and off. I was very unhappy. Two years later, I cornered him at a party, basically got all up in his face and demanded an explanation. (This time I was the drunk one.) He didn’t want to answer at first, but then said, “To be honest, I couldn’t believe I said what I did. I remembered it the next day and it freaked me out. I was embarrassed.” That’s all I got. I would have liked to go outside and discuss it for about two hours, but no dice.

I’ve always wondered if he meant it drunk and got scared sober. Or if he was BS’ing me drunk, and didn’t want to own it once he sobered up. Either way, I wish we could have talked about it. I still liked him two years later, even though I was dating someone else then. He was killed in a car crash shortly after that, falling asleep at the wheel. It sounds trite, but I remember feeling what a waste it was to keep those emotions in check. Emotions should be messy and all over the place. Good or bad, I’d have liked to understand him better.

Here’s how Urban Dictionary defines the phenom:

1. Drunk Sincerity: After a certain point of inebriation, one begins to say things that sound good in their current mental state, any of which said sober would sound utterly retarded.

Person A: “You know I’ve always loved you.”

Person B: “That’s just Drunk Sincerity, go sleep it off.”

2. Beer Tears: When, after a few drinks, one will proceed to become an unhappy drunk, and begin to cry and shed tears about anything remotely bothering them, e.g., crying about ex-boyfriend, inability to microwave easymac, spilling a drink on one’s shirt.

3. Here’s a typical example of a Beer Emotions text:

ii love u i mean it. I love them too but i love you more and ur so hott lets hook upp come to thhe party xxx

The next morning:

“God, I’m so sorry I texted you, it was just drunk love, seriously. We’re okay, right?”

What are the facts about beer emotions?

” In vino veritas”– “in wine there is truth” — is sometimes attributed to the natural philosopher Pliny the Elder. The observation made in the 1st century has been borne out over the millennia by many a remorseful inebriate. And, in truth, alcohol given as intravenous ethanol was an early form of truth serum.

Alcohol stimulates the reward circuits in the brain, such as the nucleus accumbens, that give rise to pleasurable feelings. It doesn’t suppress emotional centers, but instead impairs cognitive-processing capacity. So you experience all your feelings, but lose the ability to make decisions about what to express.

While a drunk person may be more likely to confess their secrets, they are not incapable of lying, nor will they necessarily share any information that is asked of them. All of truth serums work in the same manner: They depress the central nervous system and interfere with judgment and higher cognitive function.

When Mel Gibson sounded off in a drunken, anti-Semitic rant in 2006, he claimed it was the booze talking. Experts disagreed:

“When anyone drinks there is a neurological and psychological regression, and the higher the blood alcohol level, the more primitive and hostile the response that comes out,” says Gary L. Malone, MD, an addiction psychiatrist and the medical director and chief of psychiatry at Baylor All Saints Medical Center in Fort Worth, Texas. “Alcohol can’t make you think or feel things.”

And:

“People should be held accountable for what they say drunk as well as sober, and forgiveness should not be based on ‘the alcohol made me do it’ adds Carleton Kendrick EdM, LCSW, a family therapist in Boston. “Alcoholics will tell you that they try to watch what they say when they are drunk, but that’s a conundrum because alcohol frees the tongue to say what is in the heart.”

Many people use alcohol to “loosen up.” Indeed, alcohol lowers one’s inhibitions, which allows people to feel less guilty about their activities. Studies have shown, however, that alcohol will not make people do things they would not normally consider doing while in a sober state of mind, except that alcohol increases the chances of stumbling, falling, crashing cars and making other blunders. Alcohol gives people a little more courage to do what they desire, and less aware of what they are doing. But, alcohol is NOT an excuse for one’s actions.

The definition of legally drunk is an alcohol level of .08-.10%. At .05%, emotions become intensified, by .08%, judgment is affected, and at .10%, emotions are exaggerated.

What does this mean for you? Well, do you want the good news or the bad news first? The good news is that people basically speak the truth when they’re drunk. The bad news is that they can still refuse to own it once they’re sober. I mean, you can’t exactly ply the guy you like with beers 24/7 in hopes of a romantic moment, now, can you?

Here’s what I recommend:

Interpret beer emotions as a fairly reliable gauge as to where the dude is sitting emotionally.
Keep that knowledge to yourself. It can be useful when you are seeing a guy to know what he’s really thinking, but you squander that if you spill the beans.
Look for a natural progression in his communication, whereby he begins to express his emotions when sober. If he always represses or denies his feelings in the morning, he is not good boyfriend material. In fact, he is probably a complete waste of time. In the end, intentions don’t count. Only actions do.
Understand that it is not always appropriate to act on one’s feelings. If your ex is dating someone else, but still has feelings for you, you don’t want to be getting entangled with him. Sometimes suppressing emotions is the right and fair thing to do.

What do you think? How have you dealt with this issue? Are you surprised by these findings?

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“Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight It’s 2 AM, I’m drunk again, it’s heavy on my mind Excuse me please, one more drink Could you make it strong ’cause I don’t need to think” Dave Matthews Band How can you know what he really means if he says one thing when drunk and something else […]

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Author: Diana D