How to Know You’re Ready for the Next Step in Your Relationship
Every relationship moves at its own pace. While some couples dive into commitment quickly, others take time building a solid foundation. But eventually, you might find yourself wondering: Are we ready for the next step? Whether that means moving in together, getting engaged, or planning a future as a family, knowing you’re ready isn’t always as simple as ticking boxes. Still, there are a few key signs that can help you figure it out with confidence.
1. You’ve Built a Strong Foundation of Trust
Trust is the cornerstone of any lasting relationship. If you and your partner can rely on each other—whether it’s for emotional support, keeping promises, or being honest in tough moments—it’s a strong indicator that you’re on solid ground. Without trust, taking a big step forward can bring more uncertainty than excitement.
Ask yourself: Do I feel secure in this relationship even when we’re apart? Do I believe in their commitment as much as they believe in mine? If the answer is yes, you’re already on the right path.
2. You’re Comfortable Being Your Authentic Selves
One of the most beautiful parts of a healthy relationship is being able to show up as your true self—no filters, no pretenses. If both of you feel free to express your emotions, talk about your dreams, and even share your insecurities without fear of judgment, that’s a big green flag.
Taking the next step should never mean compromising who you are. If you’ve grown together while still holding onto your individuality, it means you’ve created space where both of you can thrive.
3. You Handle Conflict in a Healthy Way
Every couple argues. The difference between a lasting relationship and a fleeting one is in how conflict is handled. Do your disagreements turn into shouting matches, or do you both try to listen and understand each other’s point of view?
Being ready for a deeper commitment means being able to work through tough conversations without hurting each other. It’s not about never fighting—it’s about fighting fair and learning from those moments.
4. Your Goals and Values Align
Having shared values doesn’t mean you agree on everything. But when it comes to the big stuff—like family, finances, career goals, and lifestyle—being in sync helps avoid major friction later on. Have you talked openly about what you want for your future? Do your goals feel compatible?
If you’re already planning things together—from buying a pet to discussing where you might live in five years—it’s likely that you’re both looking at a shared future, not just the present.
5. You’ve Weathered a Few Storms Together
It’s easy to feel good about your relationship when everything is going well. But what about the rough patches? Have you stood by each other through family stress, job loss, long-distance, or emotional lows?
Facing challenges together—and coming out stronger—proves that your relationship has resilience. It shows that you’re not just in love with the good times, but also committed to supporting each other when things get tough.
6. The Thought of Forever Feels Right, Not Scary
This might be the most telling sign of all. When you think about spending your life with this person, do you feel a sense of peace? Excitement? Gratitude? If the idea of forever feels like a natural progression instead of a huge leap, it’s a strong signal you’re ready.
Maybe you’ve even started browsing for rings together or talked about styles that reflect your values. Many modern couples, for example, are turning to lab grown diamond engagement rings as a more ethical and affordable option—showing that the decision to take the next step is not just emotional, but thoughtful and shared.
Final Thoughts
Knowing you’re ready for the next step in your relationship isn’t about perfection—it’s about being honest with yourselves, communicating openly, and genuinely wanting to grow together. Every couple’s journey is unique, but if you see these signs in your relationship, it might just be time to take that exciting next move—whatever it looks like for you.
Every relationship moves at its own pace. While some couples dive into commitment quickly, others take time building a solid foundation. But eventually, you might find yourself wondering: Are we ready for the next step? Whether that means moving in together, getting engaged, or planning a future as a family, knowing you’re ready isn’t always […]
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Author: Shannon Fisher
‘Do you want to go out with him? Check yes or no.’ Hmmm, I thought. I pondered this question as I stared at the white-lined paper with its ruffled edge, clearly ripped from the pages of someone’s spiral notebook. I picked up my purple pen and wrote in my response. Maybe.
Since 13, I have been walking the line. One foot on each side of the fence. Hedging my bets. I think it is my unyielding need for order, not adept at going with the flow persona as indicated by a popular personality survey. I usually teeter between the worlds of being a “thinker” or a “feeler.” Or as I like to call it: the worlds of Decisive Diva and Can’t Make Up Her Mind Momma. However, I find myself making decisions with my heart rather than my head. I travel so far past the middle that I almost forget how to be as direct as I can be.
With my Decisive Diva on one shoulder, I can make clear and logical decisions, but when the stakes are high and my ego – or in more extreme situations, my heart – is what’s on the table, Can’t Make Up Her Mind Mama pushes Decisive Diva off my shoulder and whispers tainted nothings into my ear. She catapults me down a path of indecision. She tells me that to remain ambivalent leaves me in “control.”
Fortunately, I started to realize that this non-committal method was a sign that something wasn’t quite right. Many women do this very thing and for the same reasons. When reflecting on her relationships with her current love interest as well as with her ex, Mandy, 29, concludes:
“Indecision in relationships is like a caution sign. I don’t think there is major indecision when it’s truly right.” With Mandy’s ex, she found herself in a constant state of uncertainty whereas with her current guy, there is no hesitation.
My conversation with Mandy made me ponder a past relationship with a guy named Jason. After being with Jason for a few months, I knew I needed to decide where it was all going. I was hesitant, but because I really wanted to be with him, Can’t Make Up Her Mind Mama swooped in and allowed me to make excuses for his bad behavior and focus disproportionately on his good behavior. This was in contrast to other situations with guys I only kinda wanted to be with. In those cases, Decisive Diva totally took over and swiftly severed ties. From this, I could only draw the conclusion that my indecision with Jason was definitely a caution sign. This behavior, on my part, was something that needed to change. And the first step to change is admittance.
As I thought about it a little more deeply, I figured out that regardless of whether I stood on the fence or jumped to a side, the end result would be the same. If it was meant to be, it would be. I’m ready to embrace the way Carla, 30, approaches her relationships. Even when she truly cares about a guy, if she knows they are not the one, she ends it rather than playing the ‘should I or shouldn’t I’ game.
Since this revelation, I’m confident that when faced with the grown up version of ‘check yes or no’ (or more of a text message) I will choose either or and let ‘maybe’ linger behind the scenes with my Mama.
‘Do you want to go out with him? Check yes or no.’ Hmmm, I thought. I pondered this question as I stared at the white-lined paper with its ruffled edge, clearly ripped from the pages of someone’s spiral notebook. I picked up my purple pen and wrote in my response. Maybe. Since 13, I have been […]
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Author: Sarah Hill
Why Do Guys Think The Grass Is Always Greener With Other Women?
“You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” Cliche but very true. I’m sure every person has had that experience of ending a relationship or being dumped, only to wonder afterwards why we weren’t appreciative of the person when we were with them.
Barry Schwartz wrote a fabulous book The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less where he talks about how dating can often be compared to surfing channels on TV. You are just about to commit to a show, but you always wonder if one more lap around the channels will give you the “perfect” show to watch. The same can apply to dating. Say you’re dating a woman for a few weeks, things are going great, but what if there is an “even better” match for you. Even more so with online dating, since it can reduce the partners on Match.com to start looking like a commodity to be traded in for an upgrade.
For guys, one big factor in this is the myth of “if I were single right now I’d have tons of hot women throwing themselves at me.” Um, sure dude. So your woman is giving you a hard time today. But if you were a bachelor again, you’d most likely have the same ups and downs of any single man: Hot Pockets for dinner, lame first dates, feeling empty after a random bar hookup. Fantasize all you want, but reality checks are healthy, too.
I know for me, after most of my relationships ended, whether short or long-term, I usually went through a period of remorse, rehashing all the opportunities I had to tell her the things I loved about her, but didn’t say a word. By rehashing, I mean sobbing while curled up on the floor.
After I eventually got out of my victim story, I took the experience as a lesson to carry into and practice in my next relationship.
“Praise is literal food for feminine qualities. If you want your woman to grow in her radiance health, happiness, love, beauty, power and depth, praise these qualities. Praise them daily. A number of times.” – David Deida
Unless you live in a monastery in Tibet, as a guy you WILL see attractive, sexy women throughout your day, for the rest of your life. And that is a wonderful thing. But just be mindful of the thoughts that come up AFTER you notice a beautiful woman. “Oh, she’d make a great girlfriend.” “I bet SHE wouldn’t nag me about my socks on the floor.” “She’d probably do all the kinky things I want in bed.” Those are thoughts that may be true (not likely) or may not be true (likely). Either way, the reality is that it often just kickstarts an endless loop of thoughts that take you AWAY from your current woman. Enjoy the energy that attractive women bring to the world. But also keep your ultimate intention alive. And unless you want a distant and unfulfilling connection with your woman, get on the appreciation bus.
Here are 3 suggestions for having your own woman’s grass be the greenest in your world:
Remember that we don’t have to believe our thoughts. They are just thoughts. Just because we see an attractive women doesn’t mean she’s automatically a better partner. Or that we “should” have sex with her. She is one of many beautiful gifts of femininity. Feel and enjoy your attraction toward her, but also appreciate her with respect. Biology and evolutionary instincts may draw our awareness to other women, but we do have control over what ultimate impact she will have on ourselves and in our current relationship. The practice is to notice feminine beauty but also be present to what’s happening in your head and in your body. Allow the women that you see throughout the day to be sources of inspiration, and if you’re in a relationship, channel that energy within yourself so that you can give more fully to your own woman.
Appreciate and praise your woman. When you appreciate something, whether it’s a person, a painting or a house, they increase in value. So while it’s good to notice and appreciate the women you see out and about, if you are in a relationship, make sure you spend WAY MORE time appreciating your woman. And express it to her from a genuine place. Woman can tell when you’re just giving them lip service. If you’re really having a tough time, how about shoot for at least one compliment a day? “I love the way you care so much about eating healthy.” “You look stunning in that dress.” Invest fully with the woman you’re with. Live with no regrets.
If you’re single, make a list of what you’re really looking for in a woman. What are the top five qualities that are a “must have” for you? But really give it some thought and reflection. Listen to what YOU and your heart want, not what your parents want for you or what your buddies thing is hot in a woman. And be open more to character traits (honest, flexible, smart) than just physical traits (nice butt, blonde, sexy calves). Physical traits will change over time. Character traits often stay the same. So if the woman you think is a potential long-term partner is loving, sweet and confident now, chances are she will be down the road. You can’t say the same about physical traits. And once you find a woman who meets those traits, go for it. Give her a whirl and see where it goes. At the same time, don’t be so desperate for love and sex that you put up with behavior from a woman that is disrespectful. You always have a choice in how you are treated.
The BIG P.S: Of course, all of this is NOT to say that relationships end simply because a man didn’t appreciate his woman enough. There are always many factors in a relationship, and it’s a mix of both partner’s personalities, patterns and intentions. And this also isn’t to imply that women don’t do their own things that push men away.
“You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” Cliche but very true. I’m sure every person has had that experience of ending a relationship or being dumped, only to wonder afterwards why we weren’t appreciative of the person when we were with them. Barry Schwartz wrote a fabulous book The Paradox of Choice: Why More […]
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Author: Alex Wise
After our article about the issues with women trying to meet quality men, we wanted to publish a little help. Here are some ways how to avoid making mistakes with dating apps and online dating. This will help with how to meet the right man when dating.
If you’re a woman new to a dating app then have an open mind and be positive.
After you create your profile be prepared for an initial group of not so nice messages from men looking for hookups. It always happens because the apps let everyone know you’re new so you’re low hanging fruit for the creeps.
Whatever you do don’t feel like you need to answer every message. Block the creeps and send polite “not interested” messages to men you don’t like.
I you like a guy’s picture then take the time to read his profile, if he has one. If his profile is one you like, or you think he is someone you have interest in, then respond with a short reply.
It’s also ok to reach out and message men. Here be short, like “Hey how are you ?”.
Although many experts disagree on the next step, our advice has always been to try to get him to talk to you on the phone. Yes, you may some dick pics and terrible texts but just block those jerks too. There is no reason to go out and get a burner phone (prepaid) since you can block someone.
The reason why we say this is because, by talking you’ll avoid the online dating pen pals and you’ll get a much better sense of someone by hearing their voice. Remember, the goal is meeting someone for a relationship.
I can tell you straight up that guys who really want a relationship, will want to talk and meet. They won’t want a dating app pen pal either.
If you’re afraid of being catfished then video chat before you meet. If he doesn’t want to video chat, then that’s a red flag and if you don’t want to it’ll be one to him.
Again, real people looking for a relationship want to talk and meet sooner then later. But be sure to ask the right questions to see if you are compatible.
And don’t do any stupid first dates. Sometimes a simple meeting for a drink in a public place is the best.
If you are patient and spend some time these are some of the ways how to meet the right man when dating.
And we’ve expanded. My team is here to help. I now have a group of great well respected expert coaches on the Alexis Meads Team.
Written by my friends at My One Amor. Be sure to sign up for their mailing list too as they offer great insights like this ..
How To Meet The Right Man When Dating After our article about the issues with women trying to meet quality men, we wanted to publish a little help. Here are some ways how to avoid making mistakes with dating apps and online dating. This will help with how to meet the right man …Continue Reading
A client’s girlfriend recently had a problem at work. Her co-worker said something in front of other employees that embarrassed her. She didn’t know how to respond in the moment and was left hurt and upset.
So she came to her boyfriend, my client, for support.
In turn, he came to me because he knew this was a delicate situation. He said, “I don’t want to mess this up, man.”
He knew that moments like these are absolutely critical to a relationship. If you support your partner well, you deepen your trust and closeness. If you support them poorly, they may hesitate to open up with you the next time.
He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. Because like many men, he himself struggles to express his own problems to his partner. He’s been told since he was young to bottle things up and just deal with it himself.
I see this scenario happen a lot in relationships: a woman shares with her partner how she feels disrespected by a friend. Or she expresses frustration with her mother getting into her personal business. Or she feels left out because she didn’t get invited to an acquaintance’s event.
So she turns to her partner for guidance and he’s sitting there terrified, thinking, “What am I supposed to do? Should I help? Do I just listen? Do I tell her what I would do?”
So I’m here to teach you the right way to support your partner when she needs you most.
Note: I tend to find that women more naturally know how to navigate these situations. But if you feel this is something you want to improve upon for your boyfriend or husband, the advice still applies.
Table Of Contents
1. Seek To Understand, Not Just To Solve
Men are often told, “Women don’t want you to solve their problems. They just want you to listen.”
This infuriates guys to no end.
I’ve had countless men tell me, “If she doesn’t want my help, then why is she telling me about it?!”
I get it. You want to support your partner, especially when you feel like you have something productive to contribute. You feel ignored or undervalued when you provide a solution that is overlooked.
In theory, I do think it can be healthy for you to advise from a place of love. Strong relationships grow together. I don’t believe you should always just stand by as a passive participant.
But to make things better for everyone, we need to clear up some misunderstandings.
When your partner comes to you with a problem, she may first just want someone to help her safely process those emotions. She wants to know she is understood, her feelings are valid, and that she can talk through them to gain perspective.
Because when we’re facing personal struggles, we usually already know the answer deep down.
When you complain about your health or your tough day at work, are YOU automatically looking for an answer? No, you know you need to fix your diet or address your boss directly.
You just want to vent or share your frustrations openly without judgment. Then eventually when you’re ready, you take action towards change.
So to start, you need to listen to your partner intently. This provides the necessary space and comfort for her to either do something about it or be much more open to accepting your help.
And on your end, listening well will help you truly understand what she’s experiencing, see the whole picture, and provide the best solution possible — if necessary.
2. Make Your Primary Goal To Listen Well
The key to being a great listener is being present in the moment.
This means you have to make a mental shift from “I’m here to give answers” to “I’m here to listen really well.”
If your mind is running wild with problem solving ideas, you’re not staying in the present. You’re not allowing your body and emotions to connect to what your partner is saying right here, right now. You’re not actually listening on a deeper level.
This is also true if you’re going to lecture or tell her what she’s doing wrong. You’re waiting to cast judgment, which means you are less likely to be engaged with an open, compassionate mind.
She knows she has a problem, so she doesn’t need to be told again. People pay for therapists to have someone listen without judgment so they can speak freely and uncover a better path for the future. She’s human and it’s okay to make mistakes.
So if your partner can tell that you ARE really listening to her, she will be more vulnerable. She will open up in new ways. She will drop her guard and dig deeper into her feelings.
When you’re truly there with her, you will feel the full weight of her emotions and her experiences. You’ll be able to relate to what she’s going through using your own experiences. You’ll get a clearer understanding of why she feels the way she does.
Doing all this helps you provide the most informed, caring support she needs.
3. Eliminate Distractions And Commit To Giving Her Your Time
We’ve all been trained to have short attention spans. We’re constantly stimulated by flashing screens, buzzing notifications, and social media feeds galore.
Staying present for an extended amount of time is really hard. So the first step to having a productive conversation is to eliminate all possible distractions.
Finish out that text or email. Quickly clean up the clutter around you that would make you preoccupied. Go put on some comfy clothes if you need them to relax.
Finally, turn your phone off. Yes, completely off. In fact, go put it charging in a different room. Studies show that even having your phone in the same vicinity can create restlessness in our minds.
From there, I want you to make a conscious time commitment to being present. Tell yourself, “For the next 10 minutes, I am completely devoted to giving my partner the time she needs to express herself.”
If you can only stay present for 5-15 minutes right now, that’s fine. People first learning meditation can often only sit still for a couple of minutes. With practice, you’ll find it easier to quiet your mind and dedicate your entire self to your partner for longer periods.
4. Actively Show Her Your Presence
When someone is venting, they’re often worried about being a burden. They don’t want to come off as dramatic or stupid.
It’s a vulnerable act for your partner to share her feelings and frustrations with you. If she sees you spacing out, she may shut down and get defensive.
So it’s wise to preemptively convey that you are committed to being there with her. Listening with your ears is one way to do that. Listening with your body and voice is another.
Sit close and face your body towards her. Physical closeness creates more intimacy and trust. Don’t sit across from her on another chair or far away on the couch. Get next to one another, maybe let your bodies lightly touch, and show her you’re right there by her side.
Hold good eye contact. Sometimes while we’re listening to our partners tell a long story, our eyes wander around the room. This is not the time to just listen with your ears – you need to show her that she has your full attention. Eye contact reassures her that you are an ally. When you get to see her eyes in return, you can better feel and connect to her emotions.
Give verbal cues that you’re listening. A simple, “mhmm” or “that sounds awful” goes a long way to making her feel heard. So does, “I’m sorry you had to deal with that” or “that’s a really tough situation.” If she’s getting emotional, reassuring phrases like, “it’s going to be alright” and “I’m here for you” can remind her that you’ve got her back.
Give some non-verbal cues, too. Hold her hand when she’s really opening up. Gently stroke her shoulder when she’s sharing something difficult. Hug her and hold her in your arms if she starts to cry.
Simple gestures like these show your partner that you’re the man she can rely on.
5. Ask Her The Right Questions
Just like you needed to change your mindset from “provide answers” to “listen well”, you need to reframe the way you think about asking questions during these tough conversations.
A poor line of questioning can feel accusatory and aggressive. Even if you did all of the above to build trust and an open line of communication, the wrong questions can put your partner on the defensive.
For example, men might think they’re being helpful by asking about previous actions: “Why did you do that?” “Why didn’t you do that?” “Why didn’t you do THIS instead?”
This is incredibly unhelpful and makes her feel like you’re talking down to her. It’s like asking a person who got injured in a car crash, “Why didn’t you see the other car coming?”
The same goes for asking why she’s repeated a past behavior. She clearly didn’t mean to do it intentionally and sometimes we need to make the same mistakes to learn from them. Old habits die hard.
The past is over and done with. Your questions should be about helping her get a clearer picture of the situation at hand and what she can potentially do now.
Let’s say that your girlfriend is always being mistreated by a so-called “friend”. Your girlfriend overlooks her bad behavior and ignores her disrespect. You shouldn’t ask her, “Why haven’t you just told Samantha to fuck off?”
Instead, ask questions that will take herself out of the equation and get her to think more objectively.
Questions such as, “Would you ever treat a friend that way?” or “What would you tell me if Tom was doing the same thing to me?” or “If you weren’t afraid of losing her friendship, what would you want to say to her?”
All of these points are SO much more useful. They provide clarity and new ideas, leading to healthier perspectives.
6. Uncover The Answer Together
The purpose of these steps is to help your partner feel understood, accepted, and supported. You’re allowing her to work through her feelings and see possible paths of action.
This is what she needs to make a change or move past her problem.
When she comes to a decision, she will feel accomplished that she figured it out for herself, rather than being fed an answer from you. We are at our best when we feel loved, but also self-reliant. And your support will have helped her get there — which what you wanted in the first place.
If your partner is still trying to resolve the situation and doesn’t have an immediate answer, give her a little time. Check in with her in a supportive manner to see how she’s doing later.
Now if you still feel she’s being haunted by this problem, you can then share what you think she should do. But because you’ve laid all the groundwork, she should be infinitely more open to hearing your advice.
She won’t take it as, “he’s not even listening, he just wants to tell me what to do.” Instead, she’ll recognize, “this is my adoring partner who’s given me his heart and wants the best for me.”
—
Simple gestures of empathy and support often mean the most in a relationship.
Show up for your partner when they really need you. It’ll show them that no matter how hard things get, together you can face anything life throws your way.
Being there for your girlfriend during tough moments is essential to a healthy relationship. Here’s how to support your partner when she needs you most.
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Author: Nick Notas
The age gap relationship used to be a rarity. The spectacle of an older man with a younger wife, or a younger man with an older female partner, was one that raised eyebrows and drew dissapproval in polite society. In the modern world such a pairing has become much more commonplace and well-known thanks to the media, and even more approved of by the general public.
Due to the high visibility of movie stars and celebrities who have made no secret of their older or younger mates, most people can name at least one or two high-profile couples with an age gap. Many of us also have someone in our immediate family or close circle of friends that qualifies as an age gap couple. And in this age of connections via technology, there are web sites and support groups devoted to people in these relationships or who are considering entering into one. But what is an age gap relationship, what does it take to make it last, and when is the difference in ages too big for a successful relationship?
Breaking Down The Numbers
While there is no definition written in stone, a general rule is that there is an age gap if the difference in ages between the partners is greater than 5 years. It is of course, a matter of degree after that, and the larger the gap the more difficult it is for most of us to accept the relationship as natural or normal.
A 40 year gap between a man and a woman is generally dissaproved of, while a 20 year gap is barely acceptable. And the actual age matters as well – witness the discomfort the public felt and expressed with Anna Nicole-Smith’s marriage to her quite elderly husband. On the other end of the age gap, Jerry Lee Lewis is famous for having married his 13 year-old cousin, a situation which had so many things wrong with it that it’s probably not a fair example. But men have chosen women that are obviously too young to know what they are getting into, and the public scorn is usually strongly expressed in these cases.
So, it’s fair to say that a generally-accepted age gap couple will have the youngest partner no younger than 18, and an age difference no larger than 20 years. Mileage may vary, as they say, and there is no hard and fast rule.
Principles Of Success
But there are some basic principles for success that are agreed upon by those involved in or contemplating such a coupling. The maturity level of each person is very important, and it is usually the younger one that must have reached an adult level. Women usually have the advantage in this area, since they mature faster than men. So an older man can feel that he and his younger wife are equally mature without straining credibility, while the reverse may not work – younger men are notoriously immature.
Having shared interests is vital to any relationship, but more so to the age gap couple. One example is an interest in sports and physical activities. If there is a mismatch here for a couple close in age, it can usually be handled with some compromise and willingness to try something new. But for an age gap couple, it usually isn’t feasible for the younger woman to be an avid skier and swimmer while the older man is a stay-at-home couch potato type – the lack of shared interests and the lack of an ability to change are too much to overcome.
Cultural knowledge and reference points such as music and movies can be a problem, unless the couple share an interest in a certain period. All in all, shared interests indicate a healthy relationship for any couple, but are especially important for the age gap couple.
Life Experiences Count
Along with shared interests, the number and variety of major life experiences each partner has had are important. No one has the same degree or type of experience, but the younger half of an age gap couple can be at a disadvantage if he or she has not had at least some of the major life passage experiences that the older half has had – marriage, divorce, death of a close friend or family member, education, work, and so on. These are the things that determine and build character, and there can be no successful relationship without a correspondence to a degree of levels of experience.
Finally, personality is a deciding factor in the success of an age gap couple, given that other factors are equal. An extrovert and an introvert may make adjustments to meet in the middle if they are close in age, but the larger the gap, the harder it is to cancel out major personality differences. The older person is naturally less flexible and able to overlook such differences, while the younger one will perhaps be willing and able, but will resent having to repress personality characteristics or chnage them in the long run.
In The End It’s Happiness That Counts, Right?
So, it is really not possible to answer the question posed with a definitive number – we can’t say that a 20 year or less gap guarantees success while a bigger age gap is a predictor of failure. But it is possible to say that if major problems in any of these important factors are ignored, the couple will not survive, no matter what the age gap is. If you are involved in an age gap situation, you’ll have to consider all of the factors discussed an decide for yourself if your chances are good. But remember that as long as both partners in such a relationship are happy and can honestly say that they are content, the age gap is not too big.
The age gap relationship used to be a rarity. The spectacle of an older man with a younger wife, or a younger man with an older female partner, was one that raised eyebrows and drew dissapproval in polite society. In the modern world such a pairing has become much more commonplace and well-known thanks to […]
Midlife daters would be wise to avoid blurring the lines of friendship.
Friends with benefits can cause a good friendship to end.
There are a lot of things to celebrate about dating in midlife, namely that you’re smarter about what you want from a romantic relationship now than you were in your 20s. But there are also times when you might feel lonely and in need of some comfort. Maybe you’re even thinking about hooking up with an old pal in a “friends with benefits” situation. But before you do it, here are some things to consider.
False Perception of Comfort
We all get lonely a time or two, and friends with benefits might seem like the perfect solution. After all, you’ve got a buddy who knows you and is attracted enough to you to spend the night. But after the sex is over, you will still be left with the empty feelings that drove you to seek out your friend to begin with. Only this time, you’ll add that weird feeling that comes with changing your friendship to include physical contact. Weird feelings with a little bit of loneliness? It can make you feel really bad about your situation and increase the perception that you’re alone.
One Person Has Romantic Feelings
As a dating writer, I’ve heard about a lot of friends with benefits situations, and in nearly every case one of the friends tended to have hidden romantic feelings for the other. For one person, sex was more than just attraction and friendship. This led to feelings of confusion for one of the friends, and even fear that they couldn’t really share their feelings. What do you do when the person you normally talk to about things like this is the one you’re having feelings about?
It’s Not Just About Your Body
Friends with benefits might seem like the perfect situation in midlife because you’ve got your act together and believe you can have sex without emotional attachment. That’s a perception that doesn’t quite hold water in the real world, however, because with the release of endorphins and oxytocin, your body will experience closeness with the person you’re having sex with that you can’t turn off with your mind. Combine that with the emotional bond that you already have with your friend, and you’ll get a mass of confused feelings heading your way that will make you wish you’d have kept your clothes on and your bedroom door locked.
Midlife Doesn’t Have to Mean Settling for Sex Without Emotion
Some midlife daters opt for sex with a friend because they don’t want to get married. But even if you’d like to remain single, friends with benefits will take away from all the hard-won sexual independence you deserve. It might seem like an evolved way to cure a sexual craving, but in reality it will add to emotional confusion. This is exactly what you’re too smart for as a midlife dater. Of the many benefits that dating in midlife has, knowing you don’t have to settle is at the top of the list.
Moving Forward With a New Relationship Can Be Difficult
I’ve talked to many daters who said that after they had sex with a friend, they found it more difficult to go on to date with someone else. In some cases, they felt guilty about trying to find a true romantic partner. Their dating life became something they could no longer discuss with their friend. In an effort not to hurt their friend’s feelings, some people even began to lie to their pal about the dates they went on.
The question to ask yourself is: Do you want to stay friends with this person down the line? A friends with benefits arrangement will make that difficult.
Midlife daters would be wise to avoid blurring the lines of friendship. Friends with benefits can cause a good friendship to end. There are a lot of things to celebrate about dating in midlife, namely that you’re smarter about what you want from a romantic relationship now than you were in your 20s. But there are […]
Change vs compromise: 7 important things to consider
We need to think about change vs compromise. It’s absolutely valid to know who you are – circumstances have led you to be the person you are today and you don’t want to make the same mistakes as you may have previously done. But it’s more important to have confidence in who you are in God, and allow God in on the process of change and growth.
The idea of changing ‘for’ someone is scary and deserves serious thought. It can make us more defensive and stubborn in wanting to stay exactly as we are. Likewise, we should not enter a relationship in order to ‘change’ someone. They can’t be our project, and it’s not fair to them or healthy. However, when is it right to realise you must change?
When you go on a first date it helps to appreciate that you are two completely different people, leading separate lives and with differing interests. Remember that when you enter a relationship there is a joining and a unification that needs to take place. That includes change.
Personally, I am not good with change. I find change hard in circumstances around me – people moving away, changes in jobs, even different furniture arrangement all take a long time for me to come to terms with. I’m better at change within myself, but it is never going to be easy. It is worthwhile, though.
Focus on character and growth
We are constantly changing. The person you were ten years ago is not the same person you are now, and it would be worrying if you were. Things happen around us that help us to grow and mature, and people can help with this too.
If you are determined not to change who you are when in a relationship, then your walls will be up and this can lead to conflict. Being open to positive change when dating is a good thing – let someone bring out the best in you.
Look at your circumstances
A developing relationship will bring its own changes. Where will you eventually live? Are the hours you work compatible for a healthy relationship? Are you willing to make changes to make things work in the long term? My job of performing on stage has been so much a part of who I am, it’s not just a job. Never did I think that I would take a break from performing for someone, but circumstances change. Our hours were polar opposites and we never saw each other.
When we first started dating, leaving my job was an absolute non-negotiable. I would not have even contemplated that change and I would have even thought it was a red flag should someone suggest that. My (now) husband never asked me to spend more time with him ever, it was my decision, but that change came about circumstantially and personally.
I have grown so much for the better as a wife, as a Christian and in myself since getting my priorities in order. This example is just what has worked for us, but each person has their own ways that change can be a good thing.
Be alert to red flags
If you feel pressure to completely change your character, then I would query if this is the relationship for you! Be careful if you are the only one changing, too. You don’t want to lose or completely change who you are! (Unless you want to change, that is.)
Going from singleness into a relationship, you will each need to learn to put the other person first, thinking about their feelings and emotions before making decisions. Being single, you can do what you want, (within reason!) when you want, on your terms. Being in a relationship means thinking about the other person and seeking their opinions too.
This is part of change vs compromise. Of course, it’s hard at the beginning, you haven’t yet transitioned to being in a relationship, so the thought of changing is not forefront. However, to be emotionally mature in a relationship, you need to be willing to compromise and learn to think of the other person’s needs.
Acknowledge different Interests
You will start to change and recognise different interests. I have friends who have opened themselves up to new music tastes and culinary tastes since dating someone, which they would see as enhancing their lives.
Personally, since knowing my husband, my eyes have been opened to different film genres, board games, and I’d like to hope I’m a kinder and more patient version of my former self. My husband has learnt to appreciate ‘Pride and Prejudice’, afternoon tea and musical theatre – these additions to our lives have helped us both to be more enriched.
It is good to have differing interests, rather than being with a carbon copy of yourself, as this means you can learn about something new, you have something to talk about, and you have time for yourself doing something you love too.
Work out where you need to compromise
Compromise is necessary when dating and in a relationship. For a relationship to work, you both need to be open to compromise and adjust. This does not necessarily mean changing everything, but compromises need to be made on your time, your money, effort and sometimes your way of thinking, seeing things from both sides.
Hold onto your boundaries for safety, but adjusting your mindset to another way of thinking is vital. Compromises are likely to happen from the moment you start dating.
Embrace the new
Change can be good. Sometimes we don’t realise we are changing till after it has happened. This is a gradual joining of two people over dates and into a relationship. It’s not about losing yourself but enhancing yourself. Change should come to make a better version of you, relationships should bring out the best in you, not the worst.
When we are in relationships, our sharp corners are gently chiselled away. God can change hearts, but we need to be open to compromise. The older I grew as a single, the more set in my ways I became, the less I was willing and sometimes able to change. But with God’s help, I’ve been chiselled into a better person through a man who helps me see the good in me, but also helps me to strive to be a better version of me.
Sometimes that means I need to change. But mostly it means I need to compromise and adjust to being a couple. I’m not changing myself completely and it’s not one sided…we are both compromising and adjusting to make it work. It fails when you don’t allow God to work in your heart and when you are doing it alone and not as a team.
I would say that we’re not called to change at the beginning of dating. Compromises will need to occur, but changes can come naturally when God is leading you both. Compromises and adjustments to characters and circumstances may have to happen straight away to make a relationship work, but circumstantial change happens further down the line, when you are secure in who you are as a couple.
Complete change from the beginning means the person is not right for you. As you contemplate change vs compromise, let God do the changing, and you do the compromising. Seek God’s will and let Him change you more into Christ’s image.
What do you think of change vs compromise? Have you made changes in your life?
How often do we hear – or say – “I’m not going to change for anyone”, “I am who I am”, or “This is me and if you can’t deal with me, move on”? The idea of making changes to ourselves can feel like compromise – but should it? How does this work when dating – are we expected to change for someone? Should they change for us? Or can we remain exactly as we are, no matter what?
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Author: Hannah Grace
Is the partner you want the partner you really need?
In my dating days, I had a habit of dismissing or disregarding people based on qualities that seemed vitally important at the time, but that I now see didn’t really matter. I judged potential boyfriends on everything from the way they dressed to how they spoke to what college or university they attended to which neighbourhood they’d chosen to live in.
Of course, it’s normal to have preferences and to want to be with someone we find attractive and who broadly fits into our life, but I took this to extremes. As a graduate of one of Britain’s top universities, I was obsessed with meeting someone who’d studied at a similar level. As a high-flying journalist at the time I was dating, I was keen to meet someone who worked in a similar, adrenaline-fuelled profession and who’d had experience, like me, of living all over the world. Ideally, he would speak a few foreign languages too.
Then there was the important question of whether he’d fit into my social circles. It wasn’t just about whether my friends would like him, it was whether he was one of us, like us, on a par with us, acceptable to us.
Appearance was important too, from things like height and weight to whether his teeth were straight – because if he was the wrong height or overweight or his teeth weren’t straight, I thought it would reflect badly on me.
I see now that my rigid requirements had a lot to do with my own sense of not feeling good enough. Deep down, I didn’t feel acceptable or lovable as I was and I needed my boyfriend to impress people on my behalf so that I could bask in the reflected glory.
If he was shorter than me, people would judge me as less attractive by association, I reasoned. If he’d studied at a college rather than a university, people would think I was less intelligent, I believed. My low self-esteem couldn’t cope with that.
The other role my tick list played was to sabotage all my relationships. This delighted my subconscious because deep down, I was terrified of falling in love with someone. I was terrified of loving and losing, of being hurt, rejected or abandoned, of feeling suffocated or trapped, of making the wrong choice and of many other scary outcomes.
If I kept finding fault with dates and partners – judging them and pushing them away – I would never have to risk my tender heart. I would never have to experience the pain I felt as a child when my parents struggled to connect with me emotionally or when my dad left the family home.
I wonder if you can relate to my story.
If so, you are not alone and there’s good news: we can overcome these issues so that we can date with an open heart rather than a closed one and with healthy boundaries rather than high walls.
We do this by building our sense of self-esteem and self-worth so that we feel good enough and lovable in our own right. When we love ourselves and feel enough, we won’t need a partner with perfect looks, a perfect career, an ideal background or a stellar education to shore up our shaky confidence.
We explore our self-esteem wounds, process our pain and heal those wounds, by speaking with supportive friends or professionals and by asking God to heal them in partnership with us.
Next, we understand the roots of our fears about falling in love. When did we get hurt in relationships in the past? Are we frightened of getting hurt again? Can we heal those early hurts so that we can separate the past from the present and go dating unhampered by fears and anxieties that have no place in our life today.
If we can face the fears that lie deep in our subconscious, we won’t judge or dismiss or disregard or push away people who’d make good partners and who want to love us.
Once we’ve built our self-esteem and are ready to face our fears, we can throw away our specific list and replace it with a broad-brush vision.
We can still have our natural preferences but we’ll become open to surprises, to the unexpected. We’ll experiment with dating people we wouldn’t normally date. We’ll give people we’d usually dismiss a fair chance.
We’ll allow our healed hearts to lead us to the person we are meant to love, rather than listening to our analytic, controlling heads, which are desperate to keep us safe from hurt.
We’ll loosen our hold on our wants to allow God to bring us the person we need.
This is what I did and I am now married to a wonderful man – a man who bears little resemblance to the partner I imagined I’d be with when I was dating with low self-esteem and with deep, subconscious fears about love.
He is not the person I thought I wanted, but he is absolutely the person I needed and need.
When we’re looking for someone to love, it’s only natural to go dating with a picture in our minds of the person we want to be with, but what if this picture is sabotaging our chances of meeting the partner who’s right for us?
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Author: Katherine Baldwin
To Boost Self-Esteem, Stop Doing Stuff That Makes You Feel Like Crap
You don’t have a boyfriend because…
You let jerks walk all over you because…
You overeat chocolate because…
You are a couch potato because…
You are over your credit limit because…
…you have low self-esteem.
Often the underlying reason cited by others blames self esteem for almost every problem under the sun. You may have even said to yourself on numerous occasions, “I just don’t feel good about myself.” You question whether your self-esteem is “high enough” as if there is some magical number where if you meet or exceed it, your well-being/health/existence is validated.
Think of all the self-tests you’ve discovered in magazines where you can evaluate where you fall on the self-esteem continuum.
The term, self-esteem, stems from the word ‘esteem’…which connotes a social regard and valuing. Most people falsely believe that adding the “self” in front of esteem takes it out of the social domain and roots it into “one’s foundation for self-regard”…making it an individual asset.
If you have high/good/enough self esteem, you like yourself, you feel that you can meet your goals, you consider yourself a worthy person…and this is suppose to unlock the doors to fabulous relationships/sex lives/great jobs/better body image/more healthy eating or exercise habits and enhance spirituality…i.e., everything positive. Fail in any of these areas, and YOU must have some self-deficit of some sort. You are to blame…you must just not like yourself enough.
What a load of pop-psychology crap.
Here’s the thing with self-esteem. Just because we put the “self” before the esteem, one’s perception of one’s worth or value continues to be socially defined and sculpted. This is why you may feel more capable or the often cited “better about yourself” at work than, say, in your romantic life. What ever social setting you find yourself, the environment is giving you feedback. If the signals are more positive than negative in that setting/relationship, your esteem will be sufficient. If they are more negative, it will be lacking.
The woman who is quick to jump into bed or hook up with a guy may or may not have high or low self-esteem. The guy is likely giving her significantly strong positive feedback, and she is likely feeling good about herself in that moment when the decision is made. Afterward, when she is alone, or that positive feedback is removed, her self-esteem may decrease, because she is getting negative feedback (from her own thoughts or her social culture or her peers) that she is a “slut” or engaging in some unhealthy behavior.
Want to change your self-esteem, change the feedback system. If you tend to have relationships that quickly turn from positive to negative, that isn’t an indication that you suffer from low self-esteem…you just like positive feedback. If you’re sick of hooking up with jerks, find other sources of positive feedback strong enough to engage you, to remind you that you are valuable, worthy, important.
The key here is finding something strong enough…just as strong as that guy buying you a drink and confirming your attractiveness. The substitution must speak to you…and thus is different for every one…but usually it is social in nature. Reading a book or taking a bath isn’t likely to do it. Putting up sticky notes that you “rock” or affirming each morning that “you are beautiful” probably won’t stick. Yes, these tasks may be beneficial, but to really motivate change, you need positive social feedback.
Examples of social positive feedback: smiles from others, compliments, external validation, receiving gifts, other’s asking to spend time with you, the list goes on and on.
So if you think you may have low self esteem…you might just be lonely. Get involved and establish a stronger support system that is primarily positive…
And put those pop-psychology tests in the recycle bin.
You don’t have a boyfriend because… You let jerks walk all over you because… You overeat chocolate because… You are a couch potato because… You are over your credit limit because… …you have low self-esteem. Often the underlying reason cited by others blames self esteem for almost every problem under the sun. You may have […]
Focus on character and growth
Acknowledge different Interests
I see now that my rigid requirements had a lot to do with my own sense of not feeling good enough. Deep down, I didn’t feel acceptable or lovable as I was and I needed my boyfriend to impress people on my behalf so that I could bask in the reflected glory.