Single Life

26th May 2023

How to live your best single life

If we’re single, especially if we’ve been single for a while, it’s only natural to want to focus our energies on looking for love. But if we neglect to nurture other aspects of our lives, we’ll be dating from a place of lack rather than abundance, a place of emptiness rather than fulfilment. And this could potentially sabotage our chances of making healthy dating or relationship choices or of attracting a healthy person.

I like to think of our lives as pie charts, with lots of different segments or slices. There’s a slice for love and romance, yes, but there are other important segments: health and wellbeing, spirituality and faith, career, hobbies, travel, finances, social life, family and so forth (we can each choose the names of our segments to reflect our priorities).

Imagine your own pie chart or draw one now if you’d like to, labelling the sections as you see fit. If you spend lots of time looking for a relationship, make that a big piece. If you barely spend any time taking care of your health, doing hobbies or cultivating a spiritual life, make those segments small.

For years, my pie chart was completely unbalanced because work and career took up most of my time and energy. I had my sights set on climbing the career ladder and, back then, nothing was going to stand in my way. I had romantic relationships but they didn’t last and work always came first.

This singular focus on work left little time for other important activities that are essential for a healthy, balanced, well-rounded life. For example, I neglected my wellbeing, I neglected to nourish myself with healthy food and I neglected my hobbies and my creativity.

Then I hit my late-thirties and wondered how on earth I was still single.

I remember when someone first suggested that I become the person I want to date. I looked at myself and the way I was living and thought, I wouldn’t date you! You never stop working or running around. You’re always busy and there’s very little space in your life.

It was a wake-up call, although the real lightbulb moment came after I worked myself into the ground and burnt out in what was then a stressful journalism career. I had no choice – I had to transform. I had to create a different life.

That journey included reconnecting with some of the things I used to love doing before work became all-consuming. For me, this meant activities in the Great Outdoors, things like camping and cycling and sea swimming that made my eyes shine and my heart sing.

I joined a hiking group, went to music festivals and started spending time with people who also loved the outdoor life. Those experiences helped me to relax and have fun, brought new friendships into my life and connected me with like-minded people, some of whom were single. It was a revelation.

And, on one of those countryside weekends when I was living my best life, when my eyes were shining, my cheeks glowing and my heart was full, I met a man, who I later dated and then married.

If I’d have stayed at home that weekend, ticking things off my ‘To Do’ list, getting ready for work on Monday and trying to figure out why I hadn’t met my man yet (and believe me, I almost did stay at home that weekend), our paths wouldn’t have crossed.

I also imagine my now husband wouldn’t have found me attractive if all I had going on in my life was work and the desperate search for love.

So, what can you do to bring more balance and fulfilment into your life? How can you make your eyes shine and your heart sing? And how can you become someone you would like to date? Perhaps you could explore these questions in prayer or ask a friend to work through them with you.

I know all too well that planning activities and events can be hard as a single person. I did it for years. But I encourage you to be bold, to reconnect to the things you used to love doing and perhaps to step right out of your comfort zone. I encourage you to identify dreams for all areas of your life, not just romance, and take steps to walk towards those dreams.

Often, when we do this, our other dreams fall into place.

How do you approach living your best single life?

Enjoyed reading ‘How to live your best single life’? Read more by Katherine Baldwin here

When I ask people to list the qualities they’re looking for in a partner, they often say they’d like to find someone who’s living a full life, someone who has good friendships, interesting hobbies and dreams for the future. How do we find that person? First, we become that person ourselves.

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Author: Katherine Baldwin

27th January 2023

How to create your own supportive community when dating

It’s possible that all around you are the beginnings of what you might term an intentional supportive community: empathetic people who have experienced similar situations and emotions and to whom you can reach out for emotional support in your intention to find your life-partner. Many will be willing to listen and help with advice and wisdom. So here are some pointers from my experience about identifying the right people for your own intentional supportive community:

Someone who has been through a similar experience

When I went through a miserable divorce, my soul was crying out, “This shouldn’t be happening! Why isn’t God stopping it?” Divorce is common but I longed to talk specifically to Christian women who had been through it and who understood the spiritual confusion you go through.

The two divorced women I hesitantly contacted gave me a welcome that was warm and real and generous. As we talked, something of their faith and dignity communicated itself to me and I came away that little bit more able to see a way forward. The fact that they had gone on later to find loving partners encouraged me to realise heartbreak does not mean your romantic life is over, and that, when the time was right, I too could take steps to be proactive — maybe even join a dating site!

While you might not have experienced divorce or similar, you may well be in an emotional place that someone else will recognise. Sharing your experiences with them and hearing what steps they took can help you move forward.

A male confidant or female confidante

I’m female and dated men, and when unsure about some aspects of male behaviour I really appreciated my good-natured, older brother-in-law’s take on things. I had just been on a first date with someone who never stopped talking, which I was inclined to see as a red flag of arrogance rising over his head.

When I told my BIL, however, he just laughed, told me it was very likely my date was over-talking through sheer nerves, and advised me to give him another chance. Wise advice. The conversation on the next date was much more give-and-take and I really began to warm to him, but if it hadn’t been for my sensible male friend’s insight I might have rejected a man with lots of potential.

Someone who ‘gets’ you

We all benefit from someone we can be ourselves with, cry our eyes out in front of, scream, “I’ve been dumped!!!!” down the phone to, ask for an emergency after-work meeting with when we need the warmth of human companionship at that exact moment and not a moment later. Someone on the same emotional wavelength. Someone unshockable. They are that earthly reminder of the supernatural unconditional love that exists for us just as we are.

A couple whose marriage you admire

When my relationship bad news went “live” I’ll never forget the lovely down-to-earth woman, one half of a couple, who wasn’t too embarrassed or too shy to pick up the phone immediately and say simply, “Just wanted to say, we don’t want to be pushy or intrusive but we’re here, just down the road, if you ever fancy a cuppa and a chat.”

Although I hadn’t known this couple particularly well before that point, sharing with them over the next few weeks and months did a lot to reassure me and start the healing process after relationship breakup. They had the wisdom of years, warm hearts of pure gold, and a marriage with its inevitable ups and down under their belt. Being with them began to restore my sense of marriage as a committed partnership, and that you didn’t have to be perfect to have a perfectly good imperfect marriage.

We are meant to be in community with each other – even an intentional supportive community!

‘Encourage one another and build each other up’ (Thessalonians 5:11)
’Encourage one another daily’ (Hebrews 3:13)

If any of this resonates with you and you feel your relationship journey would benefit from the support of an intentional supportive community, mull it over, pray about it, and see if God prompts you with any people in your network who might be just right for you at this point in your relationship journey. Community is at the heart of our faith and the beautiful thing is, God may want to bless other people around you through being there for you.

And someday, maybe quite soon or maybe longer term, it’ll be your turn to encourage others in their relationship journeys because of the amazing things that happened in your own.

Do you ever find yourself in a dating dilemma? Going over and over in your head what’s going on in your heart? Perhaps you feel stuck? Maybe sometimes you even feel like giving up? I know I did. During my single years I was truly grateful for people who supported me in different ways. Each one of them brought fresh insight and a sense of encouragement when I needed it. I call them an intentional supportive community and I recommend them to anyone looking to meet someone special.

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Author: Katrina Robinson

26th August 2022

8 ways to get ready for a new relationship

get ready for a new relationship - Christian Connection dating advice

Think about how your life might change once you are in a relationship. What would you do differently? Are there habits that you need to attend to before meeting that special someone? How can you prepare to adjust your mindset and lifestyle to move from singlehood to being in a couple? What does it mean practically to get ready for a new relationship? Here are some useful things to consider.

Time

How much time will you be prepared to give up for dating? In order to make it succeed, you need to invest time into new connections. This may mean that you will see do some things a little less in order to make room for the new person in your life, or to meet new people.

On the flip side, how much time would you want and expect your prospective partner to have with you? Thinking about how much time and attention you would want helps to work out the amount you could put aside for dating.

Once you’ve worked this out – and it will change over time – you will then need to work out your priorities and what can put aside or changed to make the time. Socially it may mean less gaming, less time on social media, or fewer cinema trips.

Practically, maybe you’ll cut down on overtime at work, ask for help with childcare if you’re a busy single parent or reduce other commitments.

Working out what you are prepared to sacrifice makes it a lot easier to transition to making time for dating, and will help you focus to use that time well.

Boundaries

It’s worth working out prior to starting the dating process the boundaries that you have for a relationship. It’s also good to know your own boundaries and expectations of how the relationship will affect your life.

How much do you want to focus on your work or career? How much time on your own will you need? How much do you want to continue current activities in your life? There will be changes once you have met someone, but how much you change and how much can be slotted into your life is down to you.

Compromise is a word you will hear a lot but it’s worth working out what things you are not happy to compromise on. This makes it easier when the tricky conversations come up later on.

Serving

When single, thinking of others and giving people time is a good preparation for a shared life. The same is true of God.

It is often as we serve God that our attitudes change. Walking with God will also help to set healthy boundaries even as singles. Having a godly worldview will help change the mindset for yourself, but also prepare you better for the type of person that you will want to meet.

Money

Work out what your expectations are financially – how much are you willing to spend on dates? (Maybe start saving or budgeting now!) Are you expecting to pay or share the cost? Expecting your date to pay for everything all the time is unrealistic, no matter what you’ve been taught about dating!

Decide what you’re willing to pay for the level of date – perhaps the first date would be a coffee, the second date dinner, and the third date an activity. Consider having a ‘dating fund’ put aside.

Closeness

Know your boundaries and expectations within the different ‘love languages’ too. Think about how much physical touch is appropriate and godly, how much you want to give or receive compliments, what you would spend on gifts, how often you’d be prepared to do acts of service, like changing a tyre or writing a CV.

These ‘love languages’ are great as relationships develop but switching from singlehood and being independent to suddenly having someone paying you compliments or buying flowers can sometimes be overwhelming.

How much are you prepared to give these things as well as receive these acts of love?

Open Mindedness

Now is a good time to work on not being judgmental and instead being open minded! I found the longer I was single, the longer my checklist for a partner became – and it became unrealistic.

Dating and meeting a partner can open your eyes to something new. Perhaps you’ve always had the same flavour milkshake and a partner introduces you to a new flavour! In what ways can you go out of your comfort zone prior to dating in order to help this shift in perspective?

A relationship can shake you up in a good way but if you are too stuck in routine and your own ways and habits, it can be very hard to merge two different lives into one unit. Think about how you can get ready for a new relationship by being open to new things now.

Optimism

Sometimes we can be gloomy about the future whilst we are single, but we need to allow ourselves to be optimistic about it as negativity can affect dates and how we are viewed.

It’s wise to try to see the good in situations and the positive things in the future, as otherwise a bitter version of yourself will turn up to dates!

You want to be the best version of you when you do start dating, rather than bringing in extra baggage and past hurts.

See each date as an optimistic encounter, you never know what may happen. Start by finding things each day that you can thank God for, look around and see the beauty of God’s creation, look up and stretch your eyes.

Confidantes

It’s good to start thinking now about who you seek advice from. For example, a date may not appreciate you seeking help or wisdom from an ex-partner.

The hardest transition for me was going from seeking advice and wisdom from my parents for many years to having to seek the counsel of my partner who I hadn’t known for long. This was especially evident when ‘leaving and cleaving’ in marriage.

God can renew our minds for the better if we seek Him and His will. Spending time with God is the best way to renew your mind and prepare yourself for the shift from singleness to dating when His timing is right.

How would you get ready for a new relationship?

Enjoyed ‘8 ways to get ready for a new relationship’? Read more by Hannah Grace here.

When you start dating and later move into a relationship, your life will change and that means a change of mindset too. There must be a shift as you prepare your life for a new relationship – before and after you meet someone. Afterwards, there will be personal adjustments from both sides to make the shift work. The good news is there are simple things you can do to get ready for a new relationship while you are still single.

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Author: Hannah Grace