Singleness – Page 3

9th December 2022

5 simple ways to find contentment in singleness this Christmas

I remember that I felt very single, like I was not a part of something that everyone else had. However, I had to remember that this was a commercialised Christmas and New Year. Who decided to have all these pressures? Was it God? No.

It’s time to find contentment in singleness and not be caught up in the materialism and pressure of this time of year. Once we are content in our singleness, we are more ready to meet someone and be able to date without the influence and push of what looks like the seemingly unobtainable, perfect winter season.

So, how can we not get caught up in the pressure of Christmas and the materialism of this season? Here are five simple suggestions.

Find Contentment In God

Finding contentment in God is vital. God is everything you need in life and you should be able to find complete fulfilment in Him, because you can hand over everything to Him – your worries, your financial struggles, your loneliness, your bad habits. You shouldn’t need to find a partner in order to function and until you feel able to process this, you might want to consider whether it’s the right time to be dating.

You shouldn’t need to be sucked into the commercialism and you shouldn’t need to have a date on New Year’s Eve. There’s a whole new year ahead to find a new date; don’t put pressure on yourself to just find someone ‘because’. There is no need just to settle because it’s the festive season. God should be able to fulfil your desire not to be alone. He is your rock, your stability, your go-to for moans, joys and trials, and He will never leave you nor forsake you. Having that knowledge should make you feel incredibly loved, valued and cherished.

Keep some perspective

The festive season is only a short snippet of the year! You don’t need to pressurise yourself to find a date or get dragged into the materialism of the festive season with all the Christmas parties, the sparkles, the gifts. Keep your perspective focused on God. He is what matters, not whether you look your best at any Christmas events you go to, or how to impress your crush with an epic secret Santa gift!

Allow yourself to be brought back down to earth – New Year’s Eve is one evening out of 365. Who cares if you have a kiss at midnight? You have 364 other evenings in which to potentially have a date and kiss at midnight! You will more likely find a good date when you aren’t trying to force a situation.

Go back to basics

What is Christmas and New Year really about? Christmas is truly about celebrating the birth of our Saviour, Jesus Christ. Did Jesus get caught up in commercialism? No, he was born in a manger with nothing. His parents went on the run with Him soon after. Mary didn’t even have a bed. Life was undoubtedly hard.

Thank God for what He has already given you. Find the blessings and don’t focus on what you don’t have. New year is celebrating the fact that God has given you another year to live, to learn and grow in Him. You can’t know who you’ll meet in the New Year, but until the point that God may bring someone into your life, enjoy what He has already give you. You’ll find life much more enjoyable with simple joys.

Prepare your heart for dating

Rather than watching romantic Christmas movies on repeat, study God’s word instead. Watching unrealistic examples of what ‘love’ is, does not prepare you for dating or life in a relationship. It’s likely to do the opposite and you’ll expect a fairytale, which may not happen! Instead, life happens and reality kicks in.

If you want to know what true love is, study God’s word and spend time with Him because God IS love. God is the purest and most steadfast form of love – you will never find this in a human relationship. Humans let you down and are not perfect, but God is utterly perfect.

Serve

By serving, we help others and this helps us not to get dragged into consumerism. We can serve at local homeless shelters or food banks, or even helping out at church – perhaps you already do. The fellowship that you should receive at church will build you up, and surround you with love. It may not be the romantic love you seek right now, but you will be loved and appreciated.

Keep things simple this festive season. Take the pressure off, and don’t get sucked into what the world ‘thinks’ the festive season should look like. Look to God, and remember the true meaning of this time of year.

How do you find contentment in singleness at Christmas?

Winter was a time when I felt my singleness profoundly. It seemed the romance of Christmas was everywhere, with romantic Christmas movies, dates to Christmas markets and ice rinks, cosy hot chocolates and mistletoe – and I wasn’t included. Once the romance of Christmas was over, there was the pressure of New Year. All the resolutions, the desire to find a partner that very year, the realisation that another year would begin without a kiss at midnight. One question came up repeatedly: How could I find contentment in singleness during the festive season?

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Author: Hannah Grace

2nd December 2022

Prepare for love, joy and peace this Advent

I pose that question as a realist.

I know some of you might be struggling to believe that love, joy and peace are on the horizon, especially in relation to your romantic life and especially as we approach Christmas, which can be a challenging time.

As a relationships coach, I encounter many people who are tired of the search for love and who are feeling demoralised about their prospects of finding a partner. I speak with people who are exhausted with online dating and who’ve run out of ideas about how to meet potential dates in real life. I even meet people who describe themselves as a ‘lost cause’ when it comes to romance.

If you can relate to any of this, I hear you. I know from experience that it’s a painful place to be.

But I also know, because you are reading this post, that you have faith. Even if your faith has become a mere flicker of an Advent candle rather than a roaring log fire, you still have faith.

So why not begin this Advent season with a commitment to get more in touch with your faith, to reaffirm your faith and to grow your faith, with small daily actions, with baby steps?

What would this look like for you?

Perhaps a few more minutes spent each morning in prayer or silent contemplation? Perhaps a few more minutes spent reading spiritual words or listening to worship music or Christian songs? Perhaps a few more minutes connecting with God by leaning against a sturdy tree in the Great Outdoors?

Think of your faith like a muscle, like a bicep. We build muscle by doing many repetitions with small weights. I know I’m always amazed when I see a small difference in muscle tone after just a few days.

Can you do the same with your faith throughout this period of Advent – build it up through steady repetition?

As you build your faith, notice what happens to your sense of hope. Do you feel more hopeful about the future, more confident that good things will come to pass?

Continuing with the exercise analogy, I know that a few days of regular exercise can have a big impact on how hopeful I feel overall about my health and wellbeing. I can go from feeling sluggish and downhearted to feeling energised and uplifted. All it takes is some tiny action and a willingness to keep up the routine.

As you grow your faith, notice too whether you feel more peaceful, more trusting and more held. I believe that the more we lean into God, the more we spend time building our relationship with Him, and with ourselves and our inner wisdom, the more peaceful we will feel.

With a strong faith, a sense of hope and a deep sense of peace, we are more able to appreciate the love and joy all around us – even if we don’t have the romantic relationship that we desire this Christmas season. Crucially, we are also well prepared to welcome healthy romantic love into our lives when the time comes and to experience fully the joy that brings.

By laying our foundations for love in this way, we will be more discerning when we go dating, more able to cope with disappointment and rejection, more able to walk away from someone when we know the relationship isn’t right for us and more able to stay and walk through any fears we have when we meet someone we want to be with.

It goes without saying that looking for love from this balanced, peaceful, trusting, connected and self-aware place is much more successful than looking for love from a place of desperation, disconnection, fear, urgency and hopelessness.

Believe me, I have tried both ways and I have seen others try both ways too. Importantly, I have seen people who once described themselves as a ‘lost cause’ find healthy love and marriage. I am one of those people.

All it takes is a daily commitment, a daily action to grow in faith, in hope and in peace – to prepare ourselves for what is to come.

I believe that if we commit to that this Advent, we can be sure that love and joy await.

Want to read more about Advent? You might like ‘What Advent teaches us about hope‘ and ‘Let’s reflect and expect this Advent‘

As I contemplate the season of Advent, I’m aware more than ever of the importance of preparing ourselves for the good that is coming into our lives. Advent is a season of preparation ahead of the celebration of Christ’s birth and the day of His return – an expectant time, a hopeful time and a time to get ready for the love, joy and peace that is on its way. How can you prepare yourself for the love, joy and peace that’s coming your way?

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Author: Katherine Baldwin

26th August 2022

8 ways to get ready for a new relationship

get ready for a new relationship - Christian Connection dating advice

Think about how your life might change once you are in a relationship. What would you do differently? Are there habits that you need to attend to before meeting that special someone? How can you prepare to adjust your mindset and lifestyle to move from singlehood to being in a couple? What does it mean practically to get ready for a new relationship? Here are some useful things to consider.

Time

How much time will you be prepared to give up for dating? In order to make it succeed, you need to invest time into new connections. This may mean that you will see do some things a little less in order to make room for the new person in your life, or to meet new people.

On the flip side, how much time would you want and expect your prospective partner to have with you? Thinking about how much time and attention you would want helps to work out the amount you could put aside for dating.

Once you’ve worked this out – and it will change over time – you will then need to work out your priorities and what can put aside or changed to make the time. Socially it may mean less gaming, less time on social media, or fewer cinema trips.

Practically, maybe you’ll cut down on overtime at work, ask for help with childcare if you’re a busy single parent or reduce other commitments.

Working out what you are prepared to sacrifice makes it a lot easier to transition to making time for dating, and will help you focus to use that time well.

Boundaries

It’s worth working out prior to starting the dating process the boundaries that you have for a relationship. It’s also good to know your own boundaries and expectations of how the relationship will affect your life.

How much do you want to focus on your work or career? How much time on your own will you need? How much do you want to continue current activities in your life? There will be changes once you have met someone, but how much you change and how much can be slotted into your life is down to you.

Compromise is a word you will hear a lot but it’s worth working out what things you are not happy to compromise on. This makes it easier when the tricky conversations come up later on.

Serving

When single, thinking of others and giving people time is a good preparation for a shared life. The same is true of God.

It is often as we serve God that our attitudes change. Walking with God will also help to set healthy boundaries even as singles. Having a godly worldview will help change the mindset for yourself, but also prepare you better for the type of person that you will want to meet.

Money

Work out what your expectations are financially – how much are you willing to spend on dates? (Maybe start saving or budgeting now!) Are you expecting to pay or share the cost? Expecting your date to pay for everything all the time is unrealistic, no matter what you’ve been taught about dating!

Decide what you’re willing to pay for the level of date – perhaps the first date would be a coffee, the second date dinner, and the third date an activity. Consider having a ‘dating fund’ put aside.

Closeness

Know your boundaries and expectations within the different ‘love languages’ too. Think about how much physical touch is appropriate and godly, how much you want to give or receive compliments, what you would spend on gifts, how often you’d be prepared to do acts of service, like changing a tyre or writing a CV.

These ‘love languages’ are great as relationships develop but switching from singlehood and being independent to suddenly having someone paying you compliments or buying flowers can sometimes be overwhelming.

How much are you prepared to give these things as well as receive these acts of love?

Open Mindedness

Now is a good time to work on not being judgmental and instead being open minded! I found the longer I was single, the longer my checklist for a partner became – and it became unrealistic.

Dating and meeting a partner can open your eyes to something new. Perhaps you’ve always had the same flavour milkshake and a partner introduces you to a new flavour! In what ways can you go out of your comfort zone prior to dating in order to help this shift in perspective?

A relationship can shake you up in a good way but if you are too stuck in routine and your own ways and habits, it can be very hard to merge two different lives into one unit. Think about how you can get ready for a new relationship by being open to new things now.

Optimism

Sometimes we can be gloomy about the future whilst we are single, but we need to allow ourselves to be optimistic about it as negativity can affect dates and how we are viewed.

It’s wise to try to see the good in situations and the positive things in the future, as otherwise a bitter version of yourself will turn up to dates!

You want to be the best version of you when you do start dating, rather than bringing in extra baggage and past hurts.

See each date as an optimistic encounter, you never know what may happen. Start by finding things each day that you can thank God for, look around and see the beauty of God’s creation, look up and stretch your eyes.

Confidantes

It’s good to start thinking now about who you seek advice from. For example, a date may not appreciate you seeking help or wisdom from an ex-partner.

The hardest transition for me was going from seeking advice and wisdom from my parents for many years to having to seek the counsel of my partner who I hadn’t known for long. This was especially evident when ‘leaving and cleaving’ in marriage.

God can renew our minds for the better if we seek Him and His will. Spending time with God is the best way to renew your mind and prepare yourself for the shift from singleness to dating when His timing is right.

How would you get ready for a new relationship?

Enjoyed ‘8 ways to get ready for a new relationship’? Read more by Hannah Grace here.

When you start dating and later move into a relationship, your life will change and that means a change of mindset too. There must be a shift as you prepare your life for a new relationship – before and after you meet someone. Afterwards, there will be personal adjustments from both sides to make the shift work. The good news is there are simple things you can do to get ready for a new relationship while you are still single.

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Author: Hannah Grace

19th August 2022

How to date with great self-worth

They haven’t done the best job of singing their own praises or blowing their own trumpet. They haven’t put their best foot forwards. They haven’t learned to date with great self-worth. I get it.

Many of us struggle to write a glowing profile about ourselves. We don’t feel good enough, or tall enough, or slim enough, or attractive enough, or successful enough, or sorted enough. We feel a bit old or a bit unfit or a bit bruised and broken.

But if we go into dating with our heads hung low and with a negative opinion of ourselves, lacking in self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence and self-belief, we are likely to make unhealthy choices and sabotage our chances of finding a loving relationship.

We may scroll through other people’s profiles, seeing someone we like. We may be tempted to reach out to them. Our finger may hover over the ‘like’ or ‘message’ button, but then we lose faith.

We tell ourselves that they wouldn’t be interested in someone like us. And we scroll on by, until we find someone whose profile is more in line with our downgraded view of ourselves, or until we decide to give up on the process entirely, because “nobody out there would be interested”.

We may approach face-to-face dating in a similar way, struggling with self-doubt and low confidence. This leads us into dangerous territory. We may date people who don’t treat us with the care and respect we deserve. Or we may sabotage potential relationships with people who are right for us, because we don’t feel worthy, because we’re afraid that once they get to know us, they’ll reject and abandon us.

In some cases, the opposite may be true. We may go into dating with an unrealistic view of the person we want or think we deserve to meet and this can hamper our chances of meeting our match too. Perhaps we are holding out for someone perfect – someone who doesn’t exist – an approach that will guarantee our singleness.

So, how do we make sure we are dating with our self-esteem intact, with a positive and optimistic outlook, and a realistic one at the same time? How do we show up as God sees us?

Here are some suggestions:

Before you go dating, pause and check your self-worth and self-esteem. Do you feel good about yourself? Do you feel reasonably happy with yourself?

If you find your self-esteem lacking, take steps to build it up first. I often say that “self-esteem comes from doing estimable things”.

Estimable things take many forms – acts of self-care and self-compassion, treating ourselves to new clothes or a haircut so that we feel better on dates, standing up for ourselves in relationships rather than people-pleasing.

Think about growing your self-esteem with small, regular, consistent actions, just as you would strengthen a muscle by repeatedly lifting a weight.

You can take one of these actions now, today, after reading this post, or you can plan to do something as soon as you can to build your self-worth.

When you explore your self-esteem, you may come across some deeper wounds. Memories of being criticised, judged, hurt, rejected or left out; memories of not feeling loved.

The key here is that you have to feel the feelings in order to heal them. So, write about your feelings, share them with trusted people and bring them to God. Make sure you have spent some time healing these early wounds before you go dating. If not, you risk being deeply hurt all over again. You don’t have to be perfect, just not overly vulnerable or exposed.

A good question to ask is: how lovable do I feel? Do I love myself and do I feel lovable? Self-love doesn’t come easily to everyone, but you’ll need to feel reasonably lovable to be successful in romantic relationships. You can do this by showing yourself the love you are seeking in a relationship, as best as you can.

If you are dating with an unrealistic view of the person you want to meet, ask God to help you to proceed with a balanced view of yourself and with realistic expectations, to help you to meet the person you need, not the person you want or think you should be with.

I know from experience that when we dismiss potential partners as “not good enough” for us, we are often dating with a deep fear of love, relationship, intimacy and commitment. The “not good enough” line is simply an excuse, one I used for many years. I’m pleased to say I’m now happily married to the man I initially deemed to be “not good enough for me”.

If you keep growing your self-esteem and self-worth, keep healing your deep wounds and keep digging deep to understand your fears, you will date successfully and find your happy relationship.

What have you learned from reading ‘How to date with great self-worth’? Let us know! Read more by Katherine Baldwin here.

When my single friends or coaching clients ask me for feedback on their dating profiles, I often point out that they are selling themselves short. I know these people, either personally or through my work. I know that they are vibrant and colourful, or intuitive and intelligent, or funny and friendly, or supportive and kind, or generous and open-hearted, or, in many cases, all of the above. Yet this doesn’t come across in their profiles…

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Author: Katherine Baldwin

22nd July 2022

6 great ways to embrace being single

We are constantly told in this world that you can’t love until you love yourself…even Justin Bieber sang about it! But what does the Bible say? God says to ‘love thy neighbour as thyself’, so there is an expectation of being OK with who you are. If you treat yourself, you can treat others too, if you’re kind to yourself, you can be kind to others. How can you best embrace being single?

Accept yourself

When I accepted my singlehood and learnt to enjoy the time that I had by myself, I started dating myself and I was in a better place to meet someone. I wasn’t moping around waiting for my life to begin when I met someone, instead I made the most of my singlehood and the moment I truly and fully embraced it was the moment my husband appeared!

Learn to enjoy your own company – you’re great, and if you want to spend time with yourself and enjoy it, then chances are then other people will want to spend time with you. It’s good to be comfortable in your own skin.

Treat Yourself

I used to literally go on dates by myself! I would give myself date days where I would go out for dinner by myself and then go to the cinema or to the theatre – I loved it!

It takes courage and bravery at first as it may feel strange, but it is also liberating. It’s a wonderful time to get stuck into a book at the restaurant or people watch, or strike up interesting conversations with unexpected people!

You do get used to it after a while but to begin with it can be a little nerve wracking, but go in confidence, there’s nothing to be ashamed of when asking for a table for one. You’re treating yourself and taking time for yourself and that should be celebrated.

If time and your budget allows, give yourself little pick me ups that help you through the week – an ice cream, a moment of calm with a slice of cake and a good book at a coffee shop, (which also can be a great conversation starter with strangers), buy some flowers or a new gadget. If you feel loved through gifts, then buy yourself gifts!

Learn something new

You could also embrace being single by trying new experiences too – book yourself onto an art class, pottery making, cookery, cake decorating, or a dance class, join a sports group. Who says you must have a partner to do these things?

Instead, these enrich your life and are a great way of meeting new people, and making you more interesting with new skills whilst dating yourself. These can get you out of your comfort zone, helping you to embrace life and all that God has in store for you.

New classes can revitalise you and be great conversation starters for when you do date other people.

Relax

It’s important to look after yourself as well, however that looks like, which is an extension of treating yourself. Find a quiet corner for a cup of tea and a book for a bit of peace, have a relaxing bath, or book a spa day or massage.

I used to book spa breaks for one just to give myself a break, relax, rejuvenate and come back refreshed ready for the business of life again. It gave me a break from the norm whilst treating myself and looking after my body. It also gave me something to look forward to.

Going by yourself means you can go at your own pace. The quiet may feel strange at first, but it opens a door to listening to God, being able to listen to others and strike up fresh conversations and you choosing when you want to socialise.

Travel

When I was on tour, I would explore every city I went to by myself, I would see it as an adventure, finding the hidden gems, the museums, the attractions, all enriching me. Book that trip – going solo means you can have more time with God, going at your own pace.

Who says you can’t travel by yourself? Book a holiday and enjoy it! You can absolutely explore when you’re single, or if you’re nervous going by yourself, then you can book on to group holidays.

This is a great way of meeting new people if you don’t want to be completely by yourself, but it’s amazingly liberating going solo. You can surround yourself in the culture.

Explore

Even if your budget means you need to stay local, there’s still lots to see, do and learn about close to home. Seek out places you can delve into without going far as well. Depending on what’s nearby, enjoy nature reserves, seaside walks – or borrow a dog for a day and go walking.

Enjoy God’s creation and the beauty of nature, get up early for the sunrise, or appreciate a sunset on an evening walk. If you’re able, getting a bike can mean rides to places you wouldn’t otherwise have found. If you can, get outside and get enjoying what’s around you. Embrace being single by embracing the world around you!

Build yourself up

Don’t speak badly of yourself. If you were dating someone you wouldn’t say unkind things to them, instead you’d build them up, maybe giving them love letters or little notes. Make sure that you’re doing the same for yourself.

Tell yourself affirming words that you are beautifully and wonderfully made because you are made in the image of God. Don’t be mean to yourself – build yourself up. If it helps you can write yourself notes to remind you that you are special and beautiful in God’s eyes and you are a child of God.

It’s easy to wish for something you don’t have, easy to wish your life away, easy to wish you could share experiences with someone. But just because you’re not experiencing them with someone else, doesn’t mean you can’t experience them at all.

Embrace being single – with God

Appreciate the time and the freedom of where you are at right now. Each season has its own blessings, but wishing for the next season means that you waste your time in the season you are in.

Appreciate the moment you are in, otherwise the time will pass and the years will be wasted in yearning for something without actually making the most of the time that you have.

You have an opportunity to immerse yourself in God’s word and time to spend with Him. God always listens, you can give God all your problems, He’s steadfast, doesn’t leave you or forsake you.

He can take on all your anxieties and even commands that we hand them over to Him. I remember when I was single, the feeling that I wasn’t able to offload the worries of the day or the exciting things of the day to a partner.

However, being able to talk to God about them is a reminder that God cares for us, the big things and the small things. Spend time in prayer, immerse yourself in your church and have fellowship there. Grow as a Christian and grow in God.

Enjoyed reading ‘6 great ways to embrace being single’? Read more by Hannah Grace here.

The dating world can be a lonely place, where we actually end up spending a lot of time wishing for a relationship and don’t embrace being single. The grass always seems greener on the other side. Wishing our lives were different can sometimes lead to discontentment and dissatisfaction. We can become insular and feel lonely but if we can change our attitude we can enjoy the time that we are single as it is a precious time between you and God without distractions. If we wait around to do certain things until we have a partner, we could be waiting a long time especially if God calls us to singleness! It also means that we miss out on many opportunities and exciting things in life, if we were only brave enough to do it ourselves. My advice to you would be to stop waiting, and to start doing!

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Author: Hannah Grace